Forever Overthinking At Night

There’s always a point just before I sleep where my thoughts make their way to a dangerous territory. This territory is scary place. It is in this territory where a seed is planted in my mind, but instead of forming into a rose or some other innocent flower – it forms a sick, masochistic weed that infests my mind and crawls into every corner. I like to call this weed overthinking.

Right now, I’m tangled up in a web of thoughts that seem to be eating away at me. I feel a bit more comfortable with expressing my true emotions on WordPress now that I’ve looked around it, and I see other people with emotions similar to mine. So I guess I’ll tell you a few of my thoughts late at night, here goes:

Thought 1)
Just opposite my bed is a guitar, I like to call him Murphy. Music bears a massive importance to my life, it seems to give me something to aspire to. I am, as I have mentioned earlier a compulsive songwriter. By that I mean simply that I am addicted. When things go wrong, music is the place I turn to. In many ways it is my drug. I hope to be a musician when I grow older, a singer/songwriter. When it gets late I worry that I won’t make it, that I won’t be good enough. That thought, stems to the thought that seems to take great priority in my mind:“what do I do if music doesn’t work out for me?” – this question remains unanswered.

Thought 2)
I have a guy best friend, who’s name for now will remain unspoken. I’ll call him ..Maurice. Maurice and I go through different stages. In 2011/2012 we were best friends, he was the closest I’d ever been to a boy. Summer of 2012 however was a completely different story. That’s for another time. Basically, we had quite a big fall out and we didn’t talk for 5 months; we’ve only started talking again recently. At the time I was practically in LOVE with him which made things ever harder to bare. Due to the fact that he got so angry and he was ready to forget the friendship, I guess I’m scared that if I hold on again and get emotionally attached it’ll break me if he leaves as he did before. This thought has terrified me ever since we began talking again – I want to be the person who can light up his day, but that will make me attached and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. He texted me earlier, signing off his text with “love you lots” – this phrase seems to be becoming a habit for him to say recently. My problem is, that when he says things like this it makes my heart jump. I wish he didn’t have that ability, but he still does, and it worries me. How the fuck can he control my mind this way? Did I give him permission? NO I FUCKING DID NOT. THEN WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL HERE, PREY FUCKING TELL.

*takes deep breath*

So those are a couple of my thoughts at night time. There’s way more, but I feel my eyes slowly drifting away now..

Signing out, Ceola xo

Unknown 

There are none so blind as those who don’t want to see.

Something I Learnt

You are still the same human that you were before they graffitied the walls of your mind.

Remember that.

2 Years On

It’s been around 2 years since I’ve posted on this blog. 

As I’m writing this, it’s 6:44am and as per usual I’m sitting with my back against the bathroom door. Old habits die hard, eh? I’ve always liked bathrooms, it’s the one place I find my family won’t barge in. Private, you know?

I’m 19 now, nearly 20. Since my last post I’ve had 1.5 heart breaks, read a whole lot of books, and learnt how to make (albeit depressingly average) macaroni cheese.

I don’t know who’s reading this, or if anyone is. If someone is, then I hope you’re having a good day.

Signing out, Ceola x 

Nighttime

My biggest fear,
Is one day being as oblivious to my children’s sufferings,
As my parents were,
To mine

Stupid, huh?

I guess this is pretty stupid.

It feels pretty stupid, as I don’t blog anymore and all.

Stupid, huh?

I’m not doing so great, guys. I’m in my last year of school now. I hate practically all the girls in my school, and 97 percent of the boys as well. I feel like an outcast. I’m involved/not involved with this guy who has a girlfriend and it makes me feel like a worthless piece of.. ah. And what’s more? I feel like I can’t even get out. But I can’t complain, I am the one after all who always said that she didn’t want a relationship as to avoid getting hurt. ..That plan evidently isn’t working out so well. I am so near the brink now and I just need someone to take me, head on, and give me a solution. It’s almost as if I’m surrounded by this aura of self loathing when I’m alone.

Why does every fucking person say it will get better? It doesn’t. It hasn’t. 3 years on and I’m still suffering from depression. I’m still suffering from bulimia. Struggling with self hate. Turning to alcohol every now and again. I am just, just so drained. Have you ever been in that state of mind where you don’t know if you need company or space? I’m at that stop right about now.

I don’t know what else to type.

Now

“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

Over And Gone

It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. Then when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.

Ireland

Tomorrow I’m going to Ireland.

For 5 days, I’ll be the happiest that I can be for months. Im going to take pictures and videos and be with everyone. I’m so excited to see Reece and Stacy and James and Irinel and everyone, so so so happy.

I’m just so excited to go home.

Please

The First

And to this very droplet of time
I feel it
Within my very being,
My thoughts and my words,
From the depths of my fingertips
To the angles of my mind,
In what I have done,
In what I have failed to do,
For yet have I to find
A next
That is as pure
As the first