There’s always a point just before I sleep where my thoughts make their way to a dangerous territory. This territory is scary place. It is in this territory where a seed is planted in my mind, but instead of forming into a rose or some other innocent flower – it forms a sick, masochistic weed that infests my mind and crawls into every corner. I like to call this weed overthinking.
Right now, I’m tangled up in a web of thoughts that seem to be eating away at me. I feel a bit more comfortable with expressing my true emotions on WordPress now that I’ve looked around it, and I see other people with emotions similar to mine. So I guess I’ll tell you a few of my thoughts late at night, here goes:
Thought 1)
Just opposite my bed is a guitar, I like to call him Murphy. Music bears a massive importance to my life, it seems to give me something to aspire to. I am, as I have mentioned earlier a compulsive songwriter. By that I mean simply that I am addicted. When things go wrong, music is the place I turn to. In many ways it is my drug. I hope to be a musician when I grow older, a singer/songwriter. When it gets late I worry that I won’t make it, that I won’t be good enough. That thought, stems to the thought that seems to take great priority in my mind:“what do I do if music doesn’t work out for me?” – this question remains unanswered.
Thought 2)
I have a guy best friend, who’s name for now will remain unspoken. I’ll call him ..Maurice. Maurice and I go through different stages. In 2011/2012 we were best friends, he was the closest I’d ever been to a boy. Summer of 2012 however was a completely different story. That’s for another time. Basically, we had quite a big fall out and we didn’t talk for 5 months; we’ve only started talking again recently. At the time I was practically in LOVE with him which made things ever harder to bare. Due to the fact that he got so angry and he was ready to forget the friendship, I guess I’m scared that if I hold on again and get emotionally attached it’ll break me if he leaves as he did before. This thought has terrified me ever since we began talking again – I want to be the person who can light up his day, but that will make me attached and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. He texted me earlier, signing off his text with “love you lots” – this phrase seems to be becoming a habit for him to say recently. My problem is, that when he says things like this it makes my heart jump. I wish he didn’t have that ability, but he still does, and it worries me. How the fuck can he control my mind this way? Did I give him permission? NO I FUCKING DID NOT. THEN WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL HERE, PREY FUCKING TELL.
*takes deep breath*
So those are a couple of my thoughts at night time. There’s way more, but I feel my eyes slowly drifting away now..
Signing out, Ceola xo
My Own Little Secret 