Fakers

I’d just like to make a request that you don’t fucking bitch about me and then act like we’re really close again, fuck off mate it’s done now.

Codenames

I guess it’s time for me to grow up a bit when it comes to codenames. So here are their real names:

Spiderman – Tahj
Thierry – Jeremy
Elle – Manell
Adey – Charlie
Maurice – Matthew
Abdul – Harun
Nabil – Hasan
Anastasia – Katie
Otis – Freya

Gigs, Guys, and Gooches.

Today was so eventful. It should have been so, so good. It should have.

I met up with my friend Naomi and we sat and talked for ages. We then bumped into two other “popular” girls from my school, Assisi and Alex, and we all sat and talked for so long; it was lovely. Me and Naomi then sat and ate SO many sweets and laughed for ages in the rain. When with Naomi, we bumped into some guys from my school: Dom, Ferdinand, Phelim and Christian. Christian had kissed Anastasia the previous day, they’re on the verge of having a thing. I said to Christian “I know what you’re thinking” when everyone was talking, he went bright red. This was the stem of why my day turned into a spiralling pit of doom.

Later on, when I’m gone, Christian tells his friends that he kissed Katie when they ask what I meant by my passing comment. Apparently then lots of people found out, and it aaall became my fault according to Anastasia (and Catherine, a “friend” of mine who’s actually a psychotic bitch, I pretend to like her to avoid conflict).

Anastasia and I had an argument for my ..passing comment.. and Catherine got involved and made me cry. “You have no integrity” she said, “you’ve ruined your and Anastasia’s friendship” she said, “you’re so unbelievably immature” she said. I was so angry, how dare she?! I made a comment that I thought to be barely noticeable and suddenly the fact that Christian told his friends is all my fault. YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE CATHERINE YOU FAT BITCH GO BACK TO LIVING IN YOUR DAIRY RIDDEN FRIDGE.

What. The. Fuck.

I was SO pissed off. I took Anastasia out of my bbm name, and didn’t reply to her. Christian had somehow managed to twist the situation to be my fault, what the fuck happened to “hoes before bro’s”?! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO GIRL CODE?! I was being blamed convicted for making a passing comment, it wouldn’t have escalated if Christian hadn’t chosen for it to do so. I really don’t like Christian, Anastasia knows that. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Into a roundabout. And a car crash. Which had just exploded.

It upset me most, as Catherine called me selfish. This set my temper off, as this is the one thing I always have aimed not to be and she just threw that back in my face. It also annoyed me as Anastasia apologised, and then phoned Catherine to presumably bitch about me – like what is the point of apologising then? It was like she just found a new way to channel her hate.

It was even more upsetting as I knew I couldn’t tell anyone, as I would be accused of “escalating the situation”, however hypocritical that would be. Just previous to this argument, I had been offered my first gig ever. It annoyed me that happiness down was being so casually beaten down with a stick, as if it didn’t matter that this was so important to me, and that this could be the start of my future. It annoys me as now this is going to be the way I remember being offered my first gig, a bitchy argument that killed my vibe when I was so, unbelievably over the moon. 

So that annoyed me.

But on a brighter note, I GOT MY FIRST GIG EVER! I’ll be performing on July 6th, I’m so excited. I can’t believe I have a gig with my own music! 3 years of work on my own style of music and NOW WE HERE. I’m still happy, despite the ongoings that occurred earlier in my evening.

I’m not annoyed anymore, I’m distracting myself with musical thoughts.My conclusion to this rant is: music is my therapist. And if you’ve actually read down this far? Thankyou for listening, it’s nice to know someone does.

Every Curve of Your Mind

“I cannot see you getting married”

I feel like Maurice is toying with me.

Earlier we had a conversation about relationships, and he said to me “I cannot see you getting married”. This was in a debate about relationships, he was for and I was against. I was saying stuff like “everyone gets hurt” and he argued “no matter what age you are, someone always might get hurt” and “you don’t have to rely on someone in a relationship, you can still be independent”.

I don’t know what he’s thinking, but it’s like one second he’s implying that he likes me and the second he says that. He’s very good at disguising his emotions, too good in fact. I wish I could see into his mind, every detail, every pattern, every thought, every word and every curve of his mind. It’s not like I’d get into a relationship with him, or anyone for that matter; quite frankly I don’t see why I’m stressing so much.

Maybe it’s the fact that he is the only person nowadays who can lift my mood as easily as if it was a leaf browned by the harshness of Autumn. Wherever you are right now, despite the fact that you’ll never see this, I hope you’re sleeping well. Goodnight Maurice.

With all my love, your best friend, Ceola.

Getting Drunk

So apparently I’m getting drunk with my friend Gabbi next week.. I’m quite nervous because the last time I drank I passed out and was almost paralytic.. I’m going to do it – but how do I know that I’ve reached my limit? Aghhh, well I’m getting drunk on Friday as well so hopefully I’ll find out then. I know this is a shallow post, but maybe drinking will make me feel better or at least make me happy for a while.

What’s that? I’m drinking my troubles? Yes, I know I am. I would have judged myself for that, but lately it’s gotten to the point where I don’t give a fuck.

I just want to feel happy again. If that means getting intoxicated, then so be it.

Recently.

It’s 2am. I’m currently munching on a Kinder Bueno and trying not to make too much noise, as to not wake my family. I don’t feel tired, just as if I need to get some stuff out. So I’ve just got off the phone to this guy, Kamil. I feel like a bit of a shit friend to Anastasia talking to him now – but I guess I can’t just disregard him, that would be deep.

Recently I’ve been so angry. I keep flipping at people and pushing them away. I slit my wrists for the first time in three years two days ago – as as messed up as it sounds? It felt good. I’ve pushed away “Spiderman”, Nabil, Anastasia, Freya, and so many more people. I just keep snapping; I don’t like it.

Thierry, the guy in the year above told me he loves me. And he said that he means it, but I don’t think he does. I think he’s lying, as everyone else does.

Anastasia and I had a heated debate this evening about friends with benefits. I disagree with it completely.

“Spiderman” and I just don’t really talk now. He annoys me, he’s clingy and a bit of a dickhead. I just need space from him.

Nabil is a cunt as well – tryna social climb and some shit. Not even interested in talking about him – finished with that shit.

Dow was a huge cunt, called me fat and ugly. Lol. Saw him for the first time ever in a park near where I live. Didn’t talk to him, but afterwards he called me and was so rude. He then proceeded to make me cry. What a delightful young man,

Abdul, another guy, is being annoying and a dickhead. He supported Dow and is supposed to be one of my close friends. I felt betrayed, as I used to like Abdul a lot.

Adey is airing everything I say – I don’t know why. He deleted my friend, Elle, off bbm and then removed a load of people from his party event on Facebook. I was one of them, apparently.

I know I may seem like a selfish dickhead by complaining about all these things – but recently it’s all gotten to me so much. There are times when I just want to break down and cry. I feel so empty and alone – it’s like I’m suffering from depression.

I think Maurice may have feelings for me, I may be wrong. Early days yet. He seems to be flirting in a way, talking about how much he “loves” me, and “misses” me, and cares. How confusing…

I’ve been signing up for multiple open mic nights as an effort to start performing more, hopefully they’ll work out okay. I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship until University. Too much drama. Also, I need to get out of this angry state of mind. I’ve been messed with too much and need time away from everyone and everything. I want to go back to how I was this time last year, reserved and happy. It just seems that I’ve been hurt so much that I’ve had a mental shut down and blocked everyone out.

I’m looking forward to Ireland this summer. Just to get away from everyone and everything – to leave it all behind. It’ll make me so happy to be alone. To be distanced. I guess also in a way to be missed? It’s nice sometimes to know that people care. I miss Ireland. Hopefully when I’m there I’ll change back to how I was.

1 month and 1 day from my 17th birthday. Exactly. I am terrified.

Anyway, gonna go watch a chick flick now. Typical teenager? I think yes. Signing out, Ceola xo

Fuck Off

My life has gotten to the point where I just want to slap everyone I know for being a cunt.

So I got an email from my head of year today, after arranging WEEKS ago that I’d perform in the last assembly of GCSE year – and he emails the night before and cancels. I only told a few people, and some of them were nice about it – others not so much.

I’m sorry but most of my year is shit at music, why has he gotta cut me out?!

Fucking dick.

Back To The Drawing Board

Permission to be a shallow teenage girl for a moment?

Just talking to Maurice now, fuck I think I’m starting to like him again. I told him he cheered me up earlier and he goes “that’s ma job” – and he keeps saying “love you lots” and FUCK he’s hot. I know I shouldn’t be saying this about my “guy best friend”, but you don’t understand. Everyone I know thinks he is ridiculously hot. But despite that, am I ready to go back there? I can’t help but remember the hurt he caused me, and how vulnerable I’ll be if I put myself in this position – I’ll be the one to blame.

On a different note, I have to see psycho ex boyfriend, “Spiderman” tomorrow and his best friend, who we will call “Nabil” – thank God Anastasia will be there. Would be so awkward otherwise. What the fuck do I say to Spiderman?! “Hey you dropped something, the restraining order”?!

Back to Maurice – I think it’s the fact that I feel like I’m talking to the old Maurice. Have you ever had that moment when it dawns on you that who someone is now isn’t that far from who they used to be? Yeah that’s how I’m feeling. I feel like our late night texting sessions full of laughing and banter are making us go back to how we used to be. I miss how we used to be. But is that territory too risky of a place to step foot in?

Signing out, Ceola xo