Late Night

I’m up late, and I’m thinking.

Me and “Spiderman” had an argument yesterday.. He told loads of his friends that he “friendzoned” me despite the fact that I broke up with him.. It upset me a lot. So we argued, and I hung up the phone. We’ve talked since with simple texts:

Me: “Have a good day today”

Him: “Thankyou and you too :)”

And so it all seems cool from that, right? Right yeah no, just no. I just am so confused at the moment UURRGGHHH. And even through all of this? I’m up late thinking about Maurice, because he made a tweet “Been such a shit day :(“ – WHY AM I WORRYING SO MUCH?!

Also, it’s 2 weeks from my GCSE’s. Fuck. My. Life. My exams are 2 weeks ago. Fuck.

Someone save me from this overthinking please.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Pissed Right Off

Before reading this, please take into account that my period is 2 weeks late so I’m 14 times as grumpy. Thank fucking you.

Everyones been annoying me recently. I have a list of the people who I currently am angry at, and who have upset me/pissed me off. It feels like the only person who hasn’t got to me in some way is Maurice.

*sigh*

SO:

1) After me saying “I’m done with taking everyone’s shit”, Spiderman told me that I was like because I take everyone’s bullshit – that was after me sobbing down the phone to him.

Thierry, a boy in the year above Spiderman who I’ve been talking to for about 4 months now has suddenly become a dick and short replied everything I’ve said to him for no reason whatsoever.

Nabil obviously caused a massive drama and pissed me off beyond fucking belief, still secretly angry/pissed off but we’ve talked and we’re on civil-ish terms.

Anastasia has flipped at me like twice and that didn’t really annoy me, it just upset me if I’m being quite honest.

Anthony, a guy I’ve been close to since I was 13 “forgot” to tell me he has a girlfriend and basically just shut me out, safe.

Another guy in the year above Spiderman who goes to a boarding school now told me “I only talk to you when I feel like shit”.

AND ITS LIKE OKAY I HAVE MY OWN SHIT GOING ON WHY IS EVERYONE CHOOSING NOW TO UPSET ME URGH

I even began writing a song about how pissed off I am yesterday. That is how bad the current situation is.

I feel like I’ve been shat on by multiple obese birds all at the same time.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Liars

Another thing that pisses me off, when people lie.

Lie, after lie, after lie. That’s all people ever seem to do. And they hurt anyone and everyone in the invention of their sick, twisted web of lies that are spun from their tongues.

“The truth hurts” someone said? Maybe. But when you find out that someone’s lied to your face – that hurts a hell of a lot more than the truth. And worse yet, you lose respect for them. You lose trust in them.

Everything. The foundations of care, truth, belief, respect; it all just crumbles beneath your feet. And because of a lie someone else told, you count your footsteps in your next friendships, just praying the floor won’t fall through again.

And it does.

And to top it off? They lie more, to cover up old lies. I AM NOT FIVE. DO NOT TRY TO FEED ME YOUR BULLSHIT.

It just gets to me that anyone I’ve ever trusted has lied to me at some point. Tonight has just given me another reason to have trust issues. Tonight, another bond has been broken.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Scumbags

“Just forget everything I said yesterday, I was a bit gone in the head – kay?”

No actually. Not fucking kay. Not fucking kay at all. You basically confessed your love to your best friend’s ex girlfriend – and your best friend is still in love with her. Multiple times you tried to make her cheat. And that’s not fucking “kay” with me. Are you one of those pricks who tries to social climb and sees girls as challenges? Is that what this is? A fucking challenge?

Well no girl is a piece of fucking meat. So stop treating girls like meat and get the fuck over yourself. Not every girl you go for is a fucking slut, so leave it. And if you DARE go near the girl who you have a “little crush on”? I swear to God I will disable your life.

It’s not fucking “kay” with me.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Feelings Ruin Friendships (in most cases)

Remember that one person you swore you’d never have feelings for? The one person who would always remain like your brother or sister? You could tell them anything and be happy that you’d always just be friends? That one?

What about the moment when you realised one of you were in fucking love with the other? Fucking deal breaker, right?

I’m sorry, but as soon as someone confesses their love for another in a close friendship and the other doesn’t feel the same way? Yeah, you’re fucked. Let’s say the person with feelings is the “lover” and the person who’s just sitting there like “eh” the “love-ee”.

Firstly, everything changes. The love-ee can’t make sexual jokes without feeling that he/she is leading the lover on.

All signs of affection must be died down, otherwise the lover could thrive on these actions an get “ideas” into his/her over reactive and hormonal mind.

Phrases like “I love you” and “I miss you” must be used sparsely, for obvious reasons.

Awkwardness arises when suddenly the lover finds himself/herself being friendzoned by the love-ee.

Sleepovers become a nono. You just can’t go there anymore. Duh.

I know all these points may not relate to everyone – but seriously. When someone comes up to you and is like “I’m madly in love with you” – unless you know for a FACT they have the same feelings back, how are you NOT fucked from then on?

Just don’t go there. Please. Control yourself. You’re not a hamster and you do not feel the need to pro create every 72 hours – so do us all a favour and hold it in. You’ve done it since you’ve learned not to pee yourself in the car – so why not apply the rules and regulations?

Feelings ruin friendships. Simple as.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Boston

Send up a prayer for Boston.

It seems to me that it has almost become a “trend” in this society to harm innocent civilians as an act of revenge against a politician’s decision. To hold crimes of the government against the people.

So far, 3 dead and 17 in critical condition. 3 lives lost. 17 in jeopardy. 176 injured. I’m aware that none of the bombers will ever see this – but a quick note to you, whoever you are. What have you gained now that you have taken the lives of those innocents? Do you feel better now that you’ve stolen the life on a 8 year old boy? You have caused worldwide attention to be drawn to Boston, due to the evil you have brought upon Boston.

Tragedy has struct. Justice will soon after.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Music and Strangers

“Music is the smile from a stranger when you need it most”

I can relate to this, I can. But sometimes it makes you realize all you’ve lost in explicit, masochistic ways. Lyrics bind on your ears, on your mind – forcing in the raw truth that you were trying to blind yourself from. Music is a smile from a stranger, but sometimes strangers are fake.

Lies, Always Lies

So I’m in Starbucks, “Spiderman” is opposite the table from me – Nabil is right beside me and Anastasia is opposite Nabil. I stole Spiderman’s phone and it’s got things like:

“Ceola”
“Ceola Diary”
“Stuff About Ceola”
“Angry At Ceola”

He doesn’t fucking let me read them. It’s really fucking pissed me off. Like really fucking badly. And it’s like, I read out my diary entries to him. I wrote songs and sang them to him. I opened up to him, I told him everything – he won’t even tell me that? He’s been texting the girl who he promised he wasn’t texting a few days ago – another lie to add to the fucking pile.

*takes deep breath*

Signing out, Ceola xo

Change

I’m not a morning person. I don’t like mornings. Or people. People’s feelings can change in the splitting of a second, someone can fall in love, someone can fall out of love – it’s all subject to the situation.

I’ve always tried to be selfless, but in some situations it’s so hard to accept change. It’s so hard to not be resentful and bitter about things, because they have changed. It may not have been your fault it changed, or it may have been your fault. But sometimes we have to also come to terms with the fact that with change, comes the ability to move on. The bitterness will fade, the built up inner anger, the sorrow – as change comes, the ability to move on will soon after. That’s what I’m relying on anyway.

Everything will be okay.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Back To The Drawing Board

Permission to be a shallow teenage girl for a moment?

Just talking to Maurice now, fuck I think I’m starting to like him again. I told him he cheered me up earlier and he goes “that’s ma job” – and he keeps saying “love you lots” and FUCK he’s hot. I know I shouldn’t be saying this about my “guy best friend”, but you don’t understand. Everyone I know thinks he is ridiculously hot. But despite that, am I ready to go back there? I can’t help but remember the hurt he caused me, and how vulnerable I’ll be if I put myself in this position – I’ll be the one to blame.

On a different note, I have to see psycho ex boyfriend, “Spiderman” tomorrow and his best friend, who we will call “Nabil” – thank God Anastasia will be there. Would be so awkward otherwise. What the fuck do I say to Spiderman?! “Hey you dropped something, the restraining order”?!

Back to Maurice – I think it’s the fact that I feel like I’m talking to the old Maurice. Have you ever had that moment when it dawns on you that who someone is now isn’t that far from who they used to be? Yeah that’s how I’m feeling. I feel like our late night texting sessions full of laughing and banter are making us go back to how we used to be. I miss how we used to be. But is that territory too risky of a place to step foot in?

Signing out, Ceola xo