Finished

And in that moment, I completely disassociated myself with that friendship. As far as I was concerned, it was finished.

Tahj

Last night I was out, I was lying opposite this boy. It was the first night I’d met him and we’d been getting on really well – his name is Matthew Delargy. We were face to face, lying down whilst our bodies were literally intertwined – leg through leg, hand through hand.

We were about to kiss, it was the second just before you take the leap and lean in. And I froze. I buried my head in his chest and let the moment pass.

Why you ask? Because the image of a boy whom of which I swore I was over entered my mind. And it was then that I realised it had been engraved in there ever since.

Sick Jokes With Myself

Don’t you find it funny how a solitary word can take you on a journey back to a place in time from so long ago? A simple sound can let you revisit a moment in such clarity, such depth that you almost feel yourself clutching onto anything in sight for dear life, in that attempt to grasp to reality. And then the sinking feeling starts, you try to let go of reality and return to your daydream only to realise that maybe, it was reality that had a hold of you all along.

Cruel, cruel reality.

Whilst hopelessly attempting to scrawl down notes in my music class today, I was sat down beside a boy: Cookie. We were sitting down, just messing about and as a joke, he called me “gremlin”.

And it was then. It hit me like a cold, hard brick dropping straight to the stomach. I had to catch my breath and regain composure in a desperate attempt to keep my facial expression calm and unreadable. It took me back to a late night phonecall in summer that I had with my ex best friend/ex boyfriend, Tahj. We must have stayed up until 7am on the phone that night.

I didn’t expect to feel like that, I didn’t expect to feel at all. I lost the greatest guy I had in my life this summer, and now he’s gone.

He’s gone. It’s gone. We’ve gone.

Fakers

I’d just like to make a request that you don’t fucking bitch about me and then act like we’re really close again, fuck off mate it’s done now.

Unnerving

There are currently 4 books sprawled over my bed staring up at me. It isn’t even that they’re staring, they’re giving me this evil eye that warns me not to lay even a finger upon them. Unnerving.

I’ve been feeling down recently, more down that usual. The only person I haven’t really been distant from is Freya (codename: Otis), it’s like I’ve closed off my emotions from others and shared them with her. She didn’t seem happy today though, it made me wonder. It’s like she actually cares about me, like she’s one of the only people who take the time to ask me what’s wrong, and write me a paragraph, or call me or make me feel better, or see me and I guess the reason why it means so much is because I don’t think that will ever change. Look at the photo I attached, like I don’t know it just makes me feel like I have a solid foundation and I haven’t felt that in a long while.

I’ve tried to stop the self harm, it’s kind of working. Working pretty well actually, haven’t done it in weeks. I nearly had a bit of a relapse last night, but I stopped myself half way through.

I’ve stopped writing music, I haven’t really had many strong emotions to write on. My life at the moment is pretty much a blend of exhaustion and this numb feeling. I need to wake up, seriously.

Harun (codename: Abdul) is my guy best friend. We’ve gotten so close, I’d say he’s one of the only people that can just make me laugh to the point where my sides ache for an outlet. Katie’s started talking to him though, I guess that’s fine but I feel as if I’m protective. Almost as if I don’t want him to go anywhere, or just ditch me.

I know I haven’t updated any of you in ages, not properly anyway. But I’m okay, and if you’re reading this then I really, really hope you are too.

From Ceola x

Codenames

I guess it’s time for me to grow up a bit when it comes to codenames. So here are their real names:

Spiderman – Tahj
Thierry – Jeremy
Elle – Manell
Adey – Charlie
Maurice – Matthew
Abdul – Harun
Nabil – Hasan
Anastasia – Katie
Otis – Freya

You Can Play Hard To Get Whilst I’m Over Here Playing I Don’t Give A Fuck

So it’s around 1am at the moment, probably half 1 by the time I finish writing this.

Despite the fact that I live in London, today was my first time in Oxford Street and Bond Street. They were huge, everything was so encompassing. I felt so unimportant. The shops were like giantess’ towering over me, staring me down. I went there with my mother, it was beautiful. I went there to get an outfit, I have two gigs this weekend and a party – BUSSSSY TIMES.

Okay I know what you’re thinking, but I’m NOT trying to allure Thierry with short skirts, tops and heels. I just want to look ..presentable.. STOP JUDGING ME I’M A TEENAGER WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT. SERIOUSLY GUYS. I HAVE HORMONES. AND NEEDS. I haven’t actually spoken to Thierry in a couple of days. I’m planning an off stage where he gets confused, then suddenly BAM he’ll see me at Joe’s this weekend and be stunned by my new outfit and makeup and he might ACTUALLY feel the TINIEST bit attracted to me. Then when I don’t get with him, that will be equivalent to playing hard to get. Then he’ll fall in love with me the end. Unless he plays hard to get. Fuck.

Anyway, London is beautiful in a scary way. The unfamiliarity of one thousand faces within 30 metres is startling. My phone has been fucking up ALL day. It keeps restarting itself, stupid blackberry’s. I’m receiving my cheque for the wedding I sang at tomorrow, WOOOO. For once in my life I won’t be as broke as fuck.

My parents are already nagging me to start revising for next year.. MUM AND DAD, SUMMER HASN’T EVEN STARTED FOR SOME PEOPLE SERIOUSLY. Ugh. Me and Anastasia haven’t been talking as much recently after the disagreement which is understandable but I miss her a lot. HI I MISS YOU YEAH YOU HI I MISS YOU THANKS COOL GREAT.

Abdul is back from Paris, I wasn’t even aware he went to be honest. Really awkward when he facebooks me saying “i’m back!”, and he realises from my reply of “from where..” that I didn’t even know that he left. OH WELL. YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY.

I’m Laughing As I Write This

OKAY SO THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED.

So yesterday I tweeted “two faced people are the woooorrstt”, it was directed at Thierry. He would never realise it’s about him, I haven’t told anyone apart from Anastasia and Amanda. ANYWAY so I get home a few minutes ago, and realise that he’s retweeted it.. completely oblivious to the fact that it’s about him.. I FIND THAT SO FUNNY.

HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO OBLIVIOUS, I MEAN WHAAAT.

I can’t get over how funny this is. He’s so sure that it isn’t about him that he retweeted it. You think for a 17 year old going to a private school in England, taking hard subjects for his exams, he’d be a bit quicker on the uptake. Still laughing.

Where Do You Hide your Second Face? Behind Your Inhumanly Large Ego, Perhaps?

Today I came to a realisation. Thierry is in fact incredibly two faced. He speaks about people so disrespectfully behind their back, for example: on Saturday he spoke of my friend Elle so rudely! “Why the fuck does she make so many status’, it’s so stupid – no one wants to know, Ceola you do it to. Why would everyone need to know about quotes from someone’s day, seriously”. He’s so nice to Elle’s face, I don’t understand how I’ve let this pass.

However, I still get butterflies when I think of him. This isn’t good. A boy called Tom, who went to Thierry’s house (as I mentioned previously) has been texting me and flirting ridiculously. I don’t understand why boys do that, it annoys me so much. Why would you flirt with someone you barely know; it’s so pointless.

On another note, a really odd thing happened around this time yesterday. I began talking to this girl Amanda who also has wordpress, we are EXACTLY the same. Okay not exactly, but freakishly similar. Good similar though, really good similar. I guess it kind of made me realise that sometimes people don’t take into account just how many people are similar to them out there. We tend to think of the people we go to school with, work with, our neighbours. We forget about the billions of people out there.

Anyway, I digressed. I’m nervous for this party on Saturday. Should I get with Tom in an attempt to make Thierry jealous? I probably won’t do that, I have respect for myself and I’m not just going to start eating some guy’s face in an attempt to make Thierry jealous. Hmmm, decisions.

Today has been pretty dead. Most of my friends are at work experience for the week. Tomorrow I’m singing at an open mic, it should be good. I’ve been looking up a lot of guitars. I want a Martin Acoustic, but I’m not sure what model. Sorry haha, I won’t go all techy guitar on you.

I’ve been less down recently, I went through an alarmingly depressive stage a few weeks ago. Maybe post exam fever or something.. okay that was a shitty joke you didn’t have to laugh.

I’m going to get to bed in an hour or so though, I have to wake up quite early (midday). In comparison today, that’s practically 6am! I got to bed at 9am.. DON’T JUDGE ME OKAY I’M BAD AT SLEEPING.

Anyway, I’m gonna go brush my teeth. And pee. I really need to pee. SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE FRIENDS.

I Don’t Like To Like

Okay, well I’ve been thinking about him all day. I might as well introduce him to you all.

His name is Thierry, he is tall and is a clean freak. He smiles a lot and has huge brown eyes, they’re so beautiful. He is sporty, and is Catholic. He plays football, tennis, runs and God knows what. He’s a virgin, despite the fact that he could have sex with any girl he wanted. His favourite colour is orange. His favourite food is a burger. Sometimes he gets quiet and to himself, he doesn’t do drugs or smoke; he rarely drinks. He feels like his parents don’t get him, and that he’s never good enough. He’s really funny and laughs a lot. He has brown hair, it’s really soft. He hugs a lot, and is so warm – physically and emotionally. He goes out a lot, and can be vain sometimes. He talks to a lot of girls, and is one of the “popular” kids. He can cheer me up so much, so easily. He’s a bit lot of a flirt sometimes.He’s hugely caring and really supportive, and he’s been in my mind a lot recently.

I literally just threw my head back in confusion, and it hit the back of this spinny chair. OUCH.

I haven’t liked anyone properly in over a year, the last guy I properly liked was Maurice. Gosh, I feel like I’m introducing him to my parents hahaha! I’m getting butterflies and all sorts. I’m not going to tell him that I like him, I never tell someone if I like them. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s a confidence thing.

I’m going to be at the same party as him on Saturday, I’m going to wait for him to say hello to me – as weird as that sounds, it works out in my head. I know I sound like a starstruck teenager, and that’s probably because I AM a starstruck teenager right now.

I don’t like to like people. It always ends up hurting.