Stupid, huh?

I guess this is pretty stupid.

It feels pretty stupid, as I don’t blog anymore and all.

Stupid, huh?

I’m not doing so great, guys. I’m in my last year of school now. I hate practically all the girls in my school, and 97 percent of the boys as well. I feel like an outcast. I’m involved/not involved with this guy who has a girlfriend and it makes me feel like a worthless piece of.. ah. And what’s more? I feel like I can’t even get out. But I can’t complain, I am the one after all who always said that she didn’t want a relationship as to avoid getting hurt. ..That plan evidently isn’t working out so well. I am so near the brink now and I just need someone to take me, head on, and give me a solution. It’s almost as if I’m surrounded by this aura of self loathing when I’m alone.

Why does every fucking person say it will get better? It doesn’t. It hasn’t. 3 years on and I’m still suffering from depression. I’m still suffering from bulimia. Struggling with self hate. Turning to alcohol every now and again. I am just, just so drained. Have you ever been in that state of mind where you don’t know if you need company or space? I’m at that stop right about now.

I don’t know what else to type.

Now

“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

The First

And to this very droplet of time
I feel it
Within my very being,
My thoughts and my words,
From the depths of my fingertips
To the angles of my mind,
In what I have done,
In what I have failed to do,
For yet have I to find
A next
That is as pure
As the first

Nobody Knows

Maybe 1 in every million people wear the same cologne as you. And out of all of them, collectively, I might pass by one of those people in every 4 months. And everytime I do, a wave of nostalgia hits me. The sinking feeling starts, and I have to remind myself to take deep breaths. My mind begins to dart around, drastically. Flitting around from breaking to broken to not even walking straight.

One of those people walked onto this bus about 3 minutes ago.

Honesty

Okay it’s not that I have something wrong with me, as fucked up as this blog is. It’s just I take everything personally. The smallest thing will get to me, from a joke about my hair to something I say. And when it gets to me I do get really sad, and I don’t really know why.

I guess it really gets to me when my “group” don’t invite me out. I guess I’m kind of stuck between 2 groups, it’s weird. It gets to me though. It’s like, I’m just as much of a person as you are and we spend every lunch together.. WHAT is your problem? Just because I’m not as hot as the others, seriously?

And when stuff goes wrong I do lose control and hurt myself. It’s not a craving though, it’s more like in frustration. A release of tension. And I do have problems eating, I know that too. I get worried and angry and I’m hugely oversensitive and complicated. I get paranoid and hold grudges sometimes, overprotective too, and jealous. I’m probably quite annoying, and too hyper.

But you know what at least I’m honest about it. At least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not in a group of people and I’ll say what I feel and when I feel it. At least I’m not one of those people who exclude others and act like nothing happened.

And I may be fucked up, but at least I’m honest about it.

Strangers

I saw him today, I bumped into him in Ealing. We said hey, like strangers would. We didn’t make eye contact really, as strangers would. We hugged awkwardly at the end, imposed upon him, as strangers would.

Piece By Piece

Have you ever cried so hard that you begin to choke on your breath? That you fall into such a state of hysteria, that you can barely remember it now?

And there you were, lying on your bedroom floor. Shaking, harming yourself, sobbing onto the cold hard floor. Desperately searching for the peace of mind you had previously learned to live without.

But one can only go so long, before they want out.

Tahj

Last night I was out, I was lying opposite this boy. It was the first night I’d met him and we’d been getting on really well – his name is Matthew Delargy. We were face to face, lying down whilst our bodies were literally intertwined – leg through leg, hand through hand.

We were about to kiss, it was the second just before you take the leap and lean in. And I froze. I buried my head in his chest and let the moment pass.

Why you ask? Because the image of a boy whom of which I swore I was over entered my mind. And it was then that I realised it had been engraved in there ever since.

Sick Jokes With Myself

Don’t you find it funny how a solitary word can take you on a journey back to a place in time from so long ago? A simple sound can let you revisit a moment in such clarity, such depth that you almost feel yourself clutching onto anything in sight for dear life, in that attempt to grasp to reality. And then the sinking feeling starts, you try to let go of reality and return to your daydream only to realise that maybe, it was reality that had a hold of you all along.

Cruel, cruel reality.

Whilst hopelessly attempting to scrawl down notes in my music class today, I was sat down beside a boy: Cookie. We were sitting down, just messing about and as a joke, he called me “gremlin”.

And it was then. It hit me like a cold, hard brick dropping straight to the stomach. I had to catch my breath and regain composure in a desperate attempt to keep my facial expression calm and unreadable. It took me back to a late night phonecall in summer that I had with my ex best friend/ex boyfriend, Tahj. We must have stayed up until 7am on the phone that night.

I didn’t expect to feel like that, I didn’t expect to feel at all. I lost the greatest guy I had in my life this summer, and now he’s gone.

He’s gone. It’s gone. We’ve gone.

Change

But is it really I who have changed? Or is it your perception of me?

I’ve always found it sad that the only two things that seem to remain the same are death and change. It scares me to think that if I was to fast forward 5 years I’ll be in my 20’s. That I may not even know the people whom I see every day now. It scares me how quickly a life can change.

We had a talk in school the other day about driving and how dangerous it is. It scared me that someone can go from normal to permanently disfigured in the space of around 0.3 seconds. But I guess in whatever you do, something is going to change. Whether it’s the way you look, your outlook on a situation, or an aspect of your personality, we’re all constantly developing and changing.

So maybe it isn’t I who have changed, maybe it’s a perspective, an outlook, a feeling. Maybe it’s a circumstance branching into change that causes the most pain; growing into a new environment can be painful after all. I guess no matter how badly you want everything to stay the same, the world is going to carry on spinning whether you get out of bed in the morning or not.

So wake up kid, and welcome to the real world.