Something I Learnt

You are still the same human that you were before they graffitied the walls of your mind.

Remember that.

Now

“Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.”

Nobody Knows

Maybe 1 in every million people wear the same cologne as you. And out of all of them, collectively, I might pass by one of those people in every 4 months. And everytime I do, a wave of nostalgia hits me. The sinking feeling starts, and I have to remind myself to take deep breaths. My mind begins to dart around, drastically. Flitting around from breaking to broken to not even walking straight.

One of those people walked onto this bus about 3 minutes ago.

Ships

Our first steps,
Pacing pavements,
And then she,
Of crowds oblivious,
In passing beggars,
She waltzed,
They danced,
Then he was gone,
Taking the sand,
Into the floor,
Never found

Tahj

Last night I was out, I was lying opposite this boy. It was the first night I’d met him and we’d been getting on really well – his name is Matthew Delargy. We were face to face, lying down whilst our bodies were literally intertwined – leg through leg, hand through hand.

We were about to kiss, it was the second just before you take the leap and lean in. And I froze. I buried my head in his chest and let the moment pass.

Why you ask? Because the image of a boy whom of which I swore I was over entered my mind. And it was then that I realised it had been engraved in there ever since.

If I Were Me

When I was younger I used to imagine that there was an underground channel from my room to another world. I used to fall asleep wishing Harry Potter and Hermione Granger would befriend me in my sleep. I used to look forward to bedtime, you know. It was the time that I could drift away into my own happiness.

Used to.

Past tense.

Recently I haven’t been myself. I’m beginning to listen to different music, speak differently, act differently, treat others differently. I’ll admit, a lot things have gotten to me; maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve been pushed too far this time. Maybe I’ve cared too much to carry on caring, because by caring I’ve just made myself vulnerable.

I’ve been confused. And in this pit of confusion, I’ve found myself forgetting to keep my feet on the ground, and now it’s like I’ve floated up so high that I can’t get back down.

I can’t, or I won’t?

What is this? Where am I in myself? I feel like I can’t open up any more. It’s like that feeling when you’re locked in your house, and you’re desperately searching for an open window just to give yourself room to breathe. When you’re frantically running round, holding onto the handle of the door, pulling as hard as you can – but it stands firm, despite your intentions.

Your tainted, rusted intentions that have become jarred into the ground with time.

I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating in myself. As I progress writing this, I’m locked in my study trying my very best not to break down, delete this post, and let tears escape. 

If there was a key I could bury through my skin to prise myself open, I would use it, I swear. It’s like I’ve lost the key to my own front door. So familiar with myself, yet such an inability to master and control it.

What am I turning into? The only thing I am sure of, is that my 13 year old self would look with scorn and disgust at what I’ve become.

I wouldn’t be my own friend, if I were me.

It’s Alright

It’s alright that I hurt a little bit sometimes, right?

It’s alright that I come home sometimes and curl up under my bed covers and cry for a bit, isn’t it? That every now and then I doubt my abilities to trust even my closest of friends?

It’s alright, that I sometimes say “I’m fine, just leave me alone” purely to see if you will fight for me? And that every now and again I look at old pictures of me and you and get a bit lonely?

How about that sometimes I go on long bus journeys and pretend that I never have to go back to the place that I had come from, that’s alright isn’t it?

And is it alright that I miss you unbelievably at times? That sometimes I pick up the phone ready to dial in your number but put it down again, wondering if you’re doing the same thing too?

That every night I still put you in my prayers, even though you’re as good as gone? And that night I wake up sobbing hysterically into my pillow sometimes because of my vivid nightmares?

That I sometimes feel numb, hollow almost? Is that alright? That I feel as if a piece of me is missing, and all energy has been sucked out of me?

What about how sometimes my temper flares for the silliest reasons? And how I tend to push away anybody who ever cares about me? Is that alright?

It’s alright that I hurt a little bit sometimes, right?

Thoughts

It hurts when someone fucks about with your head, it really hurts. It’s almost as if you’re standing beside them, but you can’t see where it’s going – so you’re in a position of not sure where you’re standing with them. I guess that’s where the phrase came from.

So I’m just doing what I always do, build up a wall of composure and pushing him away. It’s natural, right?

Yeah, natural.

Pissed Right Off

Before reading this, please take into account that my period is 2 weeks late so I’m 14 times as grumpy. Thank fucking you.

Everyones been annoying me recently. I have a list of the people who I currently am angry at, and who have upset me/pissed me off. It feels like the only person who hasn’t got to me in some way is Maurice.

*sigh*

SO:

1) After me saying “I’m done with taking everyone’s shit”, Spiderman told me that I was like because I take everyone’s bullshit – that was after me sobbing down the phone to him.

Thierry, a boy in the year above Spiderman who I’ve been talking to for about 4 months now has suddenly become a dick and short replied everything I’ve said to him for no reason whatsoever.

Nabil obviously caused a massive drama and pissed me off beyond fucking belief, still secretly angry/pissed off but we’ve talked and we’re on civil-ish terms.

Anastasia has flipped at me like twice and that didn’t really annoy me, it just upset me if I’m being quite honest.

Anthony, a guy I’ve been close to since I was 13 “forgot” to tell me he has a girlfriend and basically just shut me out, safe.

Another guy in the year above Spiderman who goes to a boarding school now told me “I only talk to you when I feel like shit”.

AND ITS LIKE OKAY I HAVE MY OWN SHIT GOING ON WHY IS EVERYONE CHOOSING NOW TO UPSET ME URGH

I even began writing a song about how pissed off I am yesterday. That is how bad the current situation is.

I feel like I’ve been shat on by multiple obese birds all at the same time.

Signing out, Ceola xo