Spiralling Circles

Despite the fact that you might as well have thrown me into a spiralling circle of doom, I like you. But I’m afraid to cross the line, can you blame me? Think about what you’ve done to me, well I know you’ll never see this.. but metaphorically. I may just be confused, living in fantasy perhaps. It’s almost as if I’m just not quite ready to break the ice, and instead I keep sheepishly edging around it’s corners instead.

In reality? You have hurt me. I have hurt you. I think we’d work out pretty well; right?

Why Not?

If only Thierry would stop saying “I love you”. It’s getting to the point where I tell myself so often that “he doesn’t mean it” where I’m sat here wishing he did. I know he doesn’t, he could do so much better than me; even as a friend.

So, where did this stem from? I woke up this morning, after a 5 hour sleep. Last night I dreamt about Theirry. I dreamt that he told me he loved me whilst hugging me, and I got butterflies. I woke up thinking about him.

I can’t stop thinking about him

I don’t like him. I can’t like him. No boys till uni.. Right?

Recently.

It’s 2am. I’m currently munching on a Kinder Bueno and trying not to make too much noise, as to not wake my family. I don’t feel tired, just as if I need to get some stuff out. So I’ve just got off the phone to this guy, Kamil. I feel like a bit of a shit friend to Anastasia talking to him now – but I guess I can’t just disregard him, that would be deep.

Recently I’ve been so angry. I keep flipping at people and pushing them away. I slit my wrists for the first time in three years two days ago – as as messed up as it sounds? It felt good. I’ve pushed away “Spiderman”, Nabil, Anastasia, Freya, and so many more people. I just keep snapping; I don’t like it.

Thierry, the guy in the year above told me he loves me. And he said that he means it, but I don’t think he does. I think he’s lying, as everyone else does.

Anastasia and I had a heated debate this evening about friends with benefits. I disagree with it completely.

“Spiderman” and I just don’t really talk now. He annoys me, he’s clingy and a bit of a dickhead. I just need space from him.

Nabil is a cunt as well – tryna social climb and some shit. Not even interested in talking about him – finished with that shit.

Dow was a huge cunt, called me fat and ugly. Lol. Saw him for the first time ever in a park near where I live. Didn’t talk to him, but afterwards he called me and was so rude. He then proceeded to make me cry. What a delightful young man,

Abdul, another guy, is being annoying and a dickhead. He supported Dow and is supposed to be one of my close friends. I felt betrayed, as I used to like Abdul a lot.

Adey is airing everything I say – I don’t know why. He deleted my friend, Elle, off bbm and then removed a load of people from his party event on Facebook. I was one of them, apparently.

I know I may seem like a selfish dickhead by complaining about all these things – but recently it’s all gotten to me so much. There are times when I just want to break down and cry. I feel so empty and alone – it’s like I’m suffering from depression.

I think Maurice may have feelings for me, I may be wrong. Early days yet. He seems to be flirting in a way, talking about how much he “loves” me, and “misses” me, and cares. How confusing…

I’ve been signing up for multiple open mic nights as an effort to start performing more, hopefully they’ll work out okay. I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship until University. Too much drama. Also, I need to get out of this angry state of mind. I’ve been messed with too much and need time away from everyone and everything. I want to go back to how I was this time last year, reserved and happy. It just seems that I’ve been hurt so much that I’ve had a mental shut down and blocked everyone out.

I’m looking forward to Ireland this summer. Just to get away from everyone and everything – to leave it all behind. It’ll make me so happy to be alone. To be distanced. I guess also in a way to be missed? It’s nice sometimes to know that people care. I miss Ireland. Hopefully when I’m there I’ll change back to how I was.

1 month and 1 day from my 17th birthday. Exactly. I am terrified.

Anyway, gonna go watch a chick flick now. Typical teenager? I think yes. Signing out, Ceola xo