2 Years On

It’s been around 2 years since I’ve posted on this blog. 

As I’m writing this, it’s 6:44am and as per usual I’m sitting with my back against the bathroom door. Old habits die hard, eh? I’ve always liked bathrooms, it’s the one place I find my family won’t barge in. Private, you know?

I’m 19 now, nearly 20. Since my last post I’ve had 1.5 heart breaks, read a whole lot of books, and learnt how to make (albeit depressingly average) macaroni cheese.

I don’t know who’s reading this, or if anyone is. If someone is, then I hope you’re having a good day.

Signing out, Ceola x 

Ireland

Tomorrow I’m going to Ireland.

For 5 days, I’ll be the happiest that I can be for months. Im going to take pictures and videos and be with everyone. I’m so excited to see Reece and Stacy and James and Irinel and everyone, so so so happy.

I’m just so excited to go home.

Coronary Heart Disease HERE I COME

FIRSTLY, please don’t judge me for posting at 4am. I have had a HECTIC day. Let me explain:

Okay, I’ll go in order of time. This morning, I woke up after having a dream that ..I got married to Thierry. I know, it’s weird. No, not weird. Fucking creepy and psychopathic. Like what the fuck Ceola, get a grip. If I were Thierry I’d be fucking SPRINTING away like Usain Bolt for chicken or some shit. Anyway. So that was weird, I’m intrigued as to what I’ll feel when I see him at Joe’s on Saturday. Hopefully not marriage proposal. That would just be embarrassing. God, how do I have friends?

More importantly, the date. Well we got drinks, I slurped mine at super human rate and was finished within minutes which probably made me look like woman vs food or something. Despite that though, I think it went well! He held the door for me, which for me is a huge plus point. We talked for about 2/3 hours which was lovely. He’s so hot. Hotter than I remembered. His shoulders are HUGE. Excuse me while I drool, I don’t want my dribble to get into the keyboard and for the laptop to fizz up and explode.

*drools*

Afterwards I saw my friend for dinner, Freya. But GUESS who we passed by. Dow. For any of you who haven’t read this blog before, Dow was obsessed with me for about 2 years (..he had never met me, yet he was obsessed – he always texted me..), and a few weeks ago we met. I ran away, but he called me up, being excessively rude and proceeded to make me cry. Chaaaarming. Anyway, so I ignored him again, and he’s making bitchy tweets about me.. I don’t understand guys like that. Why does he feel the need to be so rude for no reason? I mean, I’m absolutely happy to be civil with him, but it’s like he feels the need to relight a fire that as far as I’m concerned was put out a long, long time ago. Have you ever had that? It’s like he’s thriving off the aftermath of the forest fire. It’s finished, but in it’s absence he’s desperately attempting to relight it. 

Dinner was nice, nevertheless. We had Chinese take-out and beer. I actually hate beer, I don’t know why I drank it. It leaves a sickly bitter taste in my mouth that just makes me want to spew chunks everywhere if I’m being quite honest. I hadn’t seen Freya in so long, I was beginning to think we weren’t good friends anymore. Afterwards we went and sat on the grass outside with ice cream. Then it got cold, so we went and got hot chocolate. I’m pretty sure i’ll have gained around eighty three pounds by tomorrow by the amount I’ve eaten today. I had that awkward moment when I went to unbutton my shorts, only to realise that they were already unbuttoned and I had just eaten LOADS. Tried to style it out, as if I had gone to unwedgie myself. It failed.

Other than all that though, my day has been good! I haven’t talked to Thierry. Nor have I talked to Maurice that much. I’ll text Maurice now, he always brightens me up a bit; by the amount of complaining I’m doing in this blog I’m probably sounding like a manic depressive. I’m going to go have a midnight feast now, and gain another sixteen pounds. Coronary heart disease HERE I COME.

Half Smiling, Half Terrified.

So, I’m going on a date tomorrow. No, not with Thierry. A boy called Michael.

I KNOW RIGHT. A guy might like me! THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. I met him a few months ago, and he wants to have lunch/coffee or something together. Knowing me I’ll spill coffee on him, start crying, run into a door whilst attempting to escape and then just die or something. Mark. My. Words.

Despite the fact that I’ve been on and off with guys before, and gone out on days out with them, I feel as if this is my first REAL date. A guy and a girl, they don’t know eachother that well, both late teenagers.. AHHHHH. I’m nervous, what do I wear? I can’t make it too classy because it’s during the day.. why am I nervous? I shouldn’t be nervous.

He’s hot by the way. He’s tanned, tall, muscular, brown eyes, really nice smile. OKAY MAYBE THAT’S WHY I’M NERVOUS. Guys seriously last minute advice here, what do I say or do. What if I stutter, what if it’s awkward? I mean, I’ve only met him once and we sat in a crowded park and talked for about 3 hours.. BUT STILL. I’ve been thinking about it all day, half smiling, half terrified.

Mostly terrified.

You Can Play Hard To Get Whilst I’m Over Here Playing I Don’t Give A Fuck

So it’s around 1am at the moment, probably half 1 by the time I finish writing this.

Despite the fact that I live in London, today was my first time in Oxford Street and Bond Street. They were huge, everything was so encompassing. I felt so unimportant. The shops were like giantess’ towering over me, staring me down. I went there with my mother, it was beautiful. I went there to get an outfit, I have two gigs this weekend and a party – BUSSSSY TIMES.

Okay I know what you’re thinking, but I’m NOT trying to allure Thierry with short skirts, tops and heels. I just want to look ..presentable.. STOP JUDGING ME I’M A TEENAGER WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT. SERIOUSLY GUYS. I HAVE HORMONES. AND NEEDS. I haven’t actually spoken to Thierry in a couple of days. I’m planning an off stage where he gets confused, then suddenly BAM he’ll see me at Joe’s this weekend and be stunned by my new outfit and makeup and he might ACTUALLY feel the TINIEST bit attracted to me. Then when I don’t get with him, that will be equivalent to playing hard to get. Then he’ll fall in love with me the end. Unless he plays hard to get. Fuck.

Anyway, London is beautiful in a scary way. The unfamiliarity of one thousand faces within 30 metres is startling. My phone has been fucking up ALL day. It keeps restarting itself, stupid blackberry’s. I’m receiving my cheque for the wedding I sang at tomorrow, WOOOO. For once in my life I won’t be as broke as fuck.

My parents are already nagging me to start revising for next year.. MUM AND DAD, SUMMER HASN’T EVEN STARTED FOR SOME PEOPLE SERIOUSLY. Ugh. Me and Anastasia haven’t been talking as much recently after the disagreement which is understandable but I miss her a lot. HI I MISS YOU YEAH YOU HI I MISS YOU THANKS COOL GREAT.

Abdul is back from Paris, I wasn’t even aware he went to be honest. Really awkward when he facebooks me saying “i’m back!”, and he realises from my reply of “from where..” that I didn’t even know that he left. OH WELL. YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY.

I’m Laughing As I Write This

OKAY SO THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED.

So yesterday I tweeted “two faced people are the woooorrstt”, it was directed at Thierry. He would never realise it’s about him, I haven’t told anyone apart from Anastasia and Amanda. ANYWAY so I get home a few minutes ago, and realise that he’s retweeted it.. completely oblivious to the fact that it’s about him.. I FIND THAT SO FUNNY.

HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO OBLIVIOUS, I MEAN WHAAAT.

I can’t get over how funny this is. He’s so sure that it isn’t about him that he retweeted it. You think for a 17 year old going to a private school in England, taking hard subjects for his exams, he’d be a bit quicker on the uptake. Still laughing.

Where Do You Hide your Second Face? Behind Your Inhumanly Large Ego, Perhaps?

Today I came to a realisation. Thierry is in fact incredibly two faced. He speaks about people so disrespectfully behind their back, for example: on Saturday he spoke of my friend Elle so rudely! “Why the fuck does she make so many status’, it’s so stupid – no one wants to know, Ceola you do it to. Why would everyone need to know about quotes from someone’s day, seriously”. He’s so nice to Elle’s face, I don’t understand how I’ve let this pass.

However, I still get butterflies when I think of him. This isn’t good. A boy called Tom, who went to Thierry’s house (as I mentioned previously) has been texting me and flirting ridiculously. I don’t understand why boys do that, it annoys me so much. Why would you flirt with someone you barely know; it’s so pointless.

On another note, a really odd thing happened around this time yesterday. I began talking to this girl Amanda who also has wordpress, we are EXACTLY the same. Okay not exactly, but freakishly similar. Good similar though, really good similar. I guess it kind of made me realise that sometimes people don’t take into account just how many people are similar to them out there. We tend to think of the people we go to school with, work with, our neighbours. We forget about the billions of people out there.

Anyway, I digressed. I’m nervous for this party on Saturday. Should I get with Tom in an attempt to make Thierry jealous? I probably won’t do that, I have respect for myself and I’m not just going to start eating some guy’s face in an attempt to make Thierry jealous. Hmmm, decisions.

Today has been pretty dead. Most of my friends are at work experience for the week. Tomorrow I’m singing at an open mic, it should be good. I’ve been looking up a lot of guitars. I want a Martin Acoustic, but I’m not sure what model. Sorry haha, I won’t go all techy guitar on you.

I’ve been less down recently, I went through an alarmingly depressive stage a few weeks ago. Maybe post exam fever or something.. okay that was a shitty joke you didn’t have to laugh.

I’m going to get to bed in an hour or so though, I have to wake up quite early (midday). In comparison today, that’s practically 6am! I got to bed at 9am.. DON’T JUDGE ME OKAY I’M BAD AT SLEEPING.

Anyway, I’m gonna go brush my teeth. And pee. I really need to pee. SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE FRIENDS.

I Don’t Like To Like

Okay, well I’ve been thinking about him all day. I might as well introduce him to you all.

His name is Thierry, he is tall and is a clean freak. He smiles a lot and has huge brown eyes, they’re so beautiful. He is sporty, and is Catholic. He plays football, tennis, runs and God knows what. He’s a virgin, despite the fact that he could have sex with any girl he wanted. His favourite colour is orange. His favourite food is a burger. Sometimes he gets quiet and to himself, he doesn’t do drugs or smoke; he rarely drinks. He feels like his parents don’t get him, and that he’s never good enough. He’s really funny and laughs a lot. He has brown hair, it’s really soft. He hugs a lot, and is so warm – physically and emotionally. He goes out a lot, and can be vain sometimes. He talks to a lot of girls, and is one of the “popular” kids. He can cheer me up so much, so easily. He’s a bit lot of a flirt sometimes.He’s hugely caring and really supportive, and he’s been in my mind a lot recently.

I literally just threw my head back in confusion, and it hit the back of this spinny chair. OUCH.

I haven’t liked anyone properly in over a year, the last guy I properly liked was Maurice. Gosh, I feel like I’m introducing him to my parents hahaha! I’m getting butterflies and all sorts. I’m not going to tell him that I like him, I never tell someone if I like them. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s a confidence thing.

I’m going to be at the same party as him on Saturday, I’m going to wait for him to say hello to me – as weird as that sounds, it works out in my head. I know I sound like a starstruck teenager, and that’s probably because I AM a starstruck teenager right now.

I don’t like to like people. It always ends up hurting.

Gigs, Guys, and Gooches.

Today was so eventful. It should have been so, so good. It should have.

I met up with my friend Naomi and we sat and talked for ages. We then bumped into two other “popular” girls from my school, Assisi and Alex, and we all sat and talked for so long; it was lovely. Me and Naomi then sat and ate SO many sweets and laughed for ages in the rain. When with Naomi, we bumped into some guys from my school: Dom, Ferdinand, Phelim and Christian. Christian had kissed Anastasia the previous day, they’re on the verge of having a thing. I said to Christian “I know what you’re thinking” when everyone was talking, he went bright red. This was the stem of why my day turned into a spiralling pit of doom.

Later on, when I’m gone, Christian tells his friends that he kissed Katie when they ask what I meant by my passing comment. Apparently then lots of people found out, and it aaall became my fault according to Anastasia (and Catherine, a “friend” of mine who’s actually a psychotic bitch, I pretend to like her to avoid conflict).

Anastasia and I had an argument for my ..passing comment.. and Catherine got involved and made me cry. “You have no integrity” she said, “you’ve ruined your and Anastasia’s friendship” she said, “you’re so unbelievably immature” she said. I was so angry, how dare she?! I made a comment that I thought to be barely noticeable and suddenly the fact that Christian told his friends is all my fault. YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE CATHERINE YOU FAT BITCH GO BACK TO LIVING IN YOUR DAIRY RIDDEN FRIDGE.

What. The. Fuck.

I was SO pissed off. I took Anastasia out of my bbm name, and didn’t reply to her. Christian had somehow managed to twist the situation to be my fault, what the fuck happened to “hoes before bro’s”?! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO GIRL CODE?! I was being blamed convicted for making a passing comment, it wouldn’t have escalated if Christian hadn’t chosen for it to do so. I really don’t like Christian, Anastasia knows that. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Into a roundabout. And a car crash. Which had just exploded.

It upset me most, as Catherine called me selfish. This set my temper off, as this is the one thing I always have aimed not to be and she just threw that back in my face. It also annoyed me as Anastasia apologised, and then phoned Catherine to presumably bitch about me – like what is the point of apologising then? It was like she just found a new way to channel her hate.

It was even more upsetting as I knew I couldn’t tell anyone, as I would be accused of “escalating the situation”, however hypocritical that would be. Just previous to this argument, I had been offered my first gig ever. It annoyed me that happiness down was being so casually beaten down with a stick, as if it didn’t matter that this was so important to me, and that this could be the start of my future. It annoys me as now this is going to be the way I remember being offered my first gig, a bitchy argument that killed my vibe when I was so, unbelievably over the moon. 

So that annoyed me.

But on a brighter note, I GOT MY FIRST GIG EVER! I’ll be performing on July 6th, I’m so excited. I can’t believe I have a gig with my own music! 3 years of work on my own style of music and NOW WE HERE. I’m still happy, despite the ongoings that occurred earlier in my evening.

I’m not annoyed anymore, I’m distracting myself with musical thoughts.My conclusion to this rant is: music is my therapist. And if you’ve actually read down this far? Thankyou for listening, it’s nice to know someone does.

Every Curve of Your Mind

“I cannot see you getting married”

I feel like Maurice is toying with me.

Earlier we had a conversation about relationships, and he said to me “I cannot see you getting married”. This was in a debate about relationships, he was for and I was against. I was saying stuff like “everyone gets hurt” and he argued “no matter what age you are, someone always might get hurt” and “you don’t have to rely on someone in a relationship, you can still be independent”.

I don’t know what he’s thinking, but it’s like one second he’s implying that he likes me and the second he says that. He’s very good at disguising his emotions, too good in fact. I wish I could see into his mind, every detail, every pattern, every thought, every word and every curve of his mind. It’s not like I’d get into a relationship with him, or anyone for that matter; quite frankly I don’t see why I’m stressing so much.

Maybe it’s the fact that he is the only person nowadays who can lift my mood as easily as if it was a leaf browned by the harshness of Autumn. Wherever you are right now, despite the fact that you’ll never see this, I hope you’re sleeping well. Goodnight Maurice.

With all my love, your best friend, Ceola.