“Friends”

Took the thoughts right out of my head and put them to paper.

Gigs, Guys, and Gooches.

Today was so eventful. It should have been so, so good. It should have.

I met up with my friend Naomi and we sat and talked for ages. We then bumped into two other “popular” girls from my school, Assisi and Alex, and we all sat and talked for so long; it was lovely. Me and Naomi then sat and ate SO many sweets and laughed for ages in the rain. When with Naomi, we bumped into some guys from my school: Dom, Ferdinand, Phelim and Christian. Christian had kissed Anastasia the previous day, they’re on the verge of having a thing. I said to Christian “I know what you’re thinking” when everyone was talking, he went bright red. This was the stem of why my day turned into a spiralling pit of doom.

Later on, when I’m gone, Christian tells his friends that he kissed Katie when they ask what I meant by my passing comment. Apparently then lots of people found out, and it aaall became my fault according to Anastasia (and Catherine, a “friend” of mine who’s actually a psychotic bitch, I pretend to like her to avoid conflict).

Anastasia and I had an argument for my ..passing comment.. and Catherine got involved and made me cry. “You have no integrity” she said, “you’ve ruined your and Anastasia’s friendship” she said, “you’re so unbelievably immature” she said. I was so angry, how dare she?! I made a comment that I thought to be barely noticeable and suddenly the fact that Christian told his friends is all my fault. YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE CATHERINE YOU FAT BITCH GO BACK TO LIVING IN YOUR DAIRY RIDDEN FRIDGE.

What. The. Fuck.

I was SO pissed off. I took Anastasia out of my bbm name, and didn’t reply to her. Christian had somehow managed to twist the situation to be my fault, what the fuck happened to “hoes before bro’s”?! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO GIRL CODE?! I was being blamed convicted for making a passing comment, it wouldn’t have escalated if Christian hadn’t chosen for it to do so. I really don’t like Christian, Anastasia knows that. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Into a roundabout. And a car crash. Which had just exploded.

It upset me most, as Catherine called me selfish. This set my temper off, as this is the one thing I always have aimed not to be and she just threw that back in my face. It also annoyed me as Anastasia apologised, and then phoned Catherine to presumably bitch about me – like what is the point of apologising then? It was like she just found a new way to channel her hate.

It was even more upsetting as I knew I couldn’t tell anyone, as I would be accused of “escalating the situation”, however hypocritical that would be. Just previous to this argument, I had been offered my first gig ever. It annoyed me that happiness down was being so casually beaten down with a stick, as if it didn’t matter that this was so important to me, and that this could be the start of my future. It annoys me as now this is going to be the way I remember being offered my first gig, a bitchy argument that killed my vibe when I was so, unbelievably over the moon. 

So that annoyed me.

But on a brighter note, I GOT MY FIRST GIG EVER! I’ll be performing on July 6th, I’m so excited. I can’t believe I have a gig with my own music! 3 years of work on my own style of music and NOW WE HERE. I’m still happy, despite the ongoings that occurred earlier in my evening.

I’m not annoyed anymore, I’m distracting myself with musical thoughts.My conclusion to this rant is: music is my therapist. And if you’ve actually read down this far? Thankyou for listening, it’s nice to know someone does.

Every Curve of Your Mind

“I cannot see you getting married”

I feel like Maurice is toying with me.

Earlier we had a conversation about relationships, and he said to me “I cannot see you getting married”. This was in a debate about relationships, he was for and I was against. I was saying stuff like “everyone gets hurt” and he argued “no matter what age you are, someone always might get hurt” and “you don’t have to rely on someone in a relationship, you can still be independent”.

I don’t know what he’s thinking, but it’s like one second he’s implying that he likes me and the second he says that. He’s very good at disguising his emotions, too good in fact. I wish I could see into his mind, every detail, every pattern, every thought, every word and every curve of his mind. It’s not like I’d get into a relationship with him, or anyone for that matter; quite frankly I don’t see why I’m stressing so much.

Maybe it’s the fact that he is the only person nowadays who can lift my mood as easily as if it was a leaf browned by the harshness of Autumn. Wherever you are right now, despite the fact that you’ll never see this, I hope you’re sleeping well. Goodnight Maurice.

With all my love, your best friend, Ceola.

Getting Drunk

So apparently I’m getting drunk with my friend Gabbi next week.. I’m quite nervous because the last time I drank I passed out and was almost paralytic.. I’m going to do it – but how do I know that I’ve reached my limit? Aghhh, well I’m getting drunk on Friday as well so hopefully I’ll find out then. I know this is a shallow post, but maybe drinking will make me feel better or at least make me happy for a while.

What’s that? I’m drinking my troubles? Yes, I know I am. I would have judged myself for that, but lately it’s gotten to the point where I don’t give a fuck.

I just want to feel happy again. If that means getting intoxicated, then so be it.

If I Were Me

When I was younger I used to imagine that there was an underground channel from my room to another world. I used to fall asleep wishing Harry Potter and Hermione Granger would befriend me in my sleep. I used to look forward to bedtime, you know. It was the time that I could drift away into my own happiness.

Used to.

Past tense.

Recently I haven’t been myself. I’m beginning to listen to different music, speak differently, act differently, treat others differently. I’ll admit, a lot things have gotten to me; maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve been pushed too far this time. Maybe I’ve cared too much to carry on caring, because by caring I’ve just made myself vulnerable.

I’ve been confused. And in this pit of confusion, I’ve found myself forgetting to keep my feet on the ground, and now it’s like I’ve floated up so high that I can’t get back down.

I can’t, or I won’t?

What is this? Where am I in myself? I feel like I can’t open up any more. It’s like that feeling when you’re locked in your house, and you’re desperately searching for an open window just to give yourself room to breathe. When you’re frantically running round, holding onto the handle of the door, pulling as hard as you can – but it stands firm, despite your intentions.

Your tainted, rusted intentions that have become jarred into the ground with time.

I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating in myself. As I progress writing this, I’m locked in my study trying my very best not to break down, delete this post, and let tears escape. 

If there was a key I could bury through my skin to prise myself open, I would use it, I swear. It’s like I’ve lost the key to my own front door. So familiar with myself, yet such an inability to master and control it.

What am I turning into? The only thing I am sure of, is that my 13 year old self would look with scorn and disgust at what I’ve become.

I wouldn’t be my own friend, if I were me.

He Said.

“You’re the only person I completely trust.”

Confused.  Fear of the unknown. Trust Issues. Scared. Commitment. Pressure.

Unsure.

Smiling. Butterflies. Feelings. Happy. Meaning. Overwhelming. Love. Truth.

Unsure.

To Be. To Sense. To Feel. To Fear. To Run. To Realise. To Linger. To Touch. To Appreciate. To Want. To Care. To Need. To Love. To Have. To Encircle. To Smile.

To Be Unsure.

Recently.

It’s 2am. I’m currently munching on a Kinder Bueno and trying not to make too much noise, as to not wake my family. I don’t feel tired, just as if I need to get some stuff out. So I’ve just got off the phone to this guy, Kamil. I feel like a bit of a shit friend to Anastasia talking to him now – but I guess I can’t just disregard him, that would be deep.

Recently I’ve been so angry. I keep flipping at people and pushing them away. I slit my wrists for the first time in three years two days ago – as as messed up as it sounds? It felt good. I’ve pushed away “Spiderman”, Nabil, Anastasia, Freya, and so many more people. I just keep snapping; I don’t like it.

Thierry, the guy in the year above told me he loves me. And he said that he means it, but I don’t think he does. I think he’s lying, as everyone else does.

Anastasia and I had a heated debate this evening about friends with benefits. I disagree with it completely.

“Spiderman” and I just don’t really talk now. He annoys me, he’s clingy and a bit of a dickhead. I just need space from him.

Nabil is a cunt as well – tryna social climb and some shit. Not even interested in talking about him – finished with that shit.

Dow was a huge cunt, called me fat and ugly. Lol. Saw him for the first time ever in a park near where I live. Didn’t talk to him, but afterwards he called me and was so rude. He then proceeded to make me cry. What a delightful young man,

Abdul, another guy, is being annoying and a dickhead. He supported Dow and is supposed to be one of my close friends. I felt betrayed, as I used to like Abdul a lot.

Adey is airing everything I say – I don’t know why. He deleted my friend, Elle, off bbm and then removed a load of people from his party event on Facebook. I was one of them, apparently.

I know I may seem like a selfish dickhead by complaining about all these things – but recently it’s all gotten to me so much. There are times when I just want to break down and cry. I feel so empty and alone – it’s like I’m suffering from depression.

I think Maurice may have feelings for me, I may be wrong. Early days yet. He seems to be flirting in a way, talking about how much he “loves” me, and “misses” me, and cares. How confusing…

I’ve been signing up for multiple open mic nights as an effort to start performing more, hopefully they’ll work out okay. I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship until University. Too much drama. Also, I need to get out of this angry state of mind. I’ve been messed with too much and need time away from everyone and everything. I want to go back to how I was this time last year, reserved and happy. It just seems that I’ve been hurt so much that I’ve had a mental shut down and blocked everyone out.

I’m looking forward to Ireland this summer. Just to get away from everyone and everything – to leave it all behind. It’ll make me so happy to be alone. To be distanced. I guess also in a way to be missed? It’s nice sometimes to know that people care. I miss Ireland. Hopefully when I’m there I’ll change back to how I was.

1 month and 1 day from my 17th birthday. Exactly. I am terrified.

Anyway, gonna go watch a chick flick now. Typical teenager? I think yes. Signing out, Ceola xo

My Current Thoughts

My feelings, towards a specific person amount to this arabic phrase:

“Ana bahtag waket ba-eda minek, enta itkheyarta.”

Because I do need time away from you, and you have changed.

Pissed Right Off

Before reading this, please take into account that my period is 2 weeks late so I’m 14 times as grumpy. Thank fucking you.

Everyones been annoying me recently. I have a list of the people who I currently am angry at, and who have upset me/pissed me off. It feels like the only person who hasn’t got to me in some way is Maurice.

*sigh*

SO:

1) After me saying “I’m done with taking everyone’s shit”, Spiderman told me that I was like because I take everyone’s bullshit – that was after me sobbing down the phone to him.

Thierry, a boy in the year above Spiderman who I’ve been talking to for about 4 months now has suddenly become a dick and short replied everything I’ve said to him for no reason whatsoever.

Nabil obviously caused a massive drama and pissed me off beyond fucking belief, still secretly angry/pissed off but we’ve talked and we’re on civil-ish terms.

Anastasia has flipped at me like twice and that didn’t really annoy me, it just upset me if I’m being quite honest.

Anthony, a guy I’ve been close to since I was 13 “forgot” to tell me he has a girlfriend and basically just shut me out, safe.

Another guy in the year above Spiderman who goes to a boarding school now told me “I only talk to you when I feel like shit”.

AND ITS LIKE OKAY I HAVE MY OWN SHIT GOING ON WHY IS EVERYONE CHOOSING NOW TO UPSET ME URGH

I even began writing a song about how pissed off I am yesterday. That is how bad the current situation is.

I feel like I’ve been shat on by multiple obese birds all at the same time.

Signing out, Ceola xo

Scumbags

“Just forget everything I said yesterday, I was a bit gone in the head – kay?”

No actually. Not fucking kay. Not fucking kay at all. You basically confessed your love to your best friend’s ex girlfriend – and your best friend is still in love with her. Multiple times you tried to make her cheat. And that’s not fucking “kay” with me. Are you one of those pricks who tries to social climb and sees girls as challenges? Is that what this is? A fucking challenge?

Well no girl is a piece of fucking meat. So stop treating girls like meat and get the fuck over yourself. Not every girl you go for is a fucking slut, so leave it. And if you DARE go near the girl who you have a “little crush on”? I swear to God I will disable your life.

It’s not fucking “kay” with me.

Signing out, Ceola xo