Finished

And in that moment, I completely disassociated myself with that friendship. As far as I was concerned, it was finished.

Irrelevant

I don’t think there’s one person in my school who I feel like I can open up to anymore, in the last few days I’ve just shut off.

Tahj

Last night I was out, I was lying opposite this boy. It was the first night I’d met him and we’d been getting on really well – his name is Matthew Delargy. We were face to face, lying down whilst our bodies were literally intertwined – leg through leg, hand through hand.

We were about to kiss, it was the second just before you take the leap and lean in. And I froze. I buried my head in his chest and let the moment pass.

Why you ask? Because the image of a boy whom of which I swore I was over entered my mind. And it was then that I realised it had been engraved in there ever since.

Sick Jokes With Myself

Don’t you find it funny how a solitary word can take you on a journey back to a place in time from so long ago? A simple sound can let you revisit a moment in such clarity, such depth that you almost feel yourself clutching onto anything in sight for dear life, in that attempt to grasp to reality. And then the sinking feeling starts, you try to let go of reality and return to your daydream only to realise that maybe, it was reality that had a hold of you all along.

Cruel, cruel reality.

Whilst hopelessly attempting to scrawl down notes in my music class today, I was sat down beside a boy: Cookie. We were sitting down, just messing about and as a joke, he called me “gremlin”.

And it was then. It hit me like a cold, hard brick dropping straight to the stomach. I had to catch my breath and regain composure in a desperate attempt to keep my facial expression calm and unreadable. It took me back to a late night phonecall in summer that I had with my ex best friend/ex boyfriend, Tahj. We must have stayed up until 7am on the phone that night.

I didn’t expect to feel like that, I didn’t expect to feel at all. I lost the greatest guy I had in my life this summer, and now he’s gone.

He’s gone. It’s gone. We’ve gone.

Fakers

I’d just like to make a request that you don’t fucking bitch about me and then act like we’re really close again, fuck off mate it’s done now.

Change

But is it really I who have changed? Or is it your perception of me?

I’ve always found it sad that the only two things that seem to remain the same are death and change. It scares me to think that if I was to fast forward 5 years I’ll be in my 20’s. That I may not even know the people whom I see every day now. It scares me how quickly a life can change.

We had a talk in school the other day about driving and how dangerous it is. It scared me that someone can go from normal to permanently disfigured in the space of around 0.3 seconds. But I guess in whatever you do, something is going to change. Whether it’s the way you look, your outlook on a situation, or an aspect of your personality, we’re all constantly developing and changing.

So maybe it isn’t I who have changed, maybe it’s a perspective, an outlook, a feeling. Maybe it’s a circumstance branching into change that causes the most pain; growing into a new environment can be painful after all. I guess no matter how badly you want everything to stay the same, the world is going to carry on spinning whether you get out of bed in the morning or not.

So wake up kid, and welcome to the real world.

Unnerving

There are currently 4 books sprawled over my bed staring up at me. It isn’t even that they’re staring, they’re giving me this evil eye that warns me not to lay even a finger upon them. Unnerving.

I’ve been feeling down recently, more down that usual. The only person I haven’t really been distant from is Freya (codename: Otis), it’s like I’ve closed off my emotions from others and shared them with her. She didn’t seem happy today though, it made me wonder. It’s like she actually cares about me, like she’s one of the only people who take the time to ask me what’s wrong, and write me a paragraph, or call me or make me feel better, or see me and I guess the reason why it means so much is because I don’t think that will ever change. Look at the photo I attached, like I don’t know it just makes me feel like I have a solid foundation and I haven’t felt that in a long while.

I’ve tried to stop the self harm, it’s kind of working. Working pretty well actually, haven’t done it in weeks. I nearly had a bit of a relapse last night, but I stopped myself half way through.

I’ve stopped writing music, I haven’t really had many strong emotions to write on. My life at the moment is pretty much a blend of exhaustion and this numb feeling. I need to wake up, seriously.

Harun (codename: Abdul) is my guy best friend. We’ve gotten so close, I’d say he’s one of the only people that can just make me laugh to the point where my sides ache for an outlet. Katie’s started talking to him though, I guess that’s fine but I feel as if I’m protective. Almost as if I don’t want him to go anywhere, or just ditch me.

I know I haven’t updated any of you in ages, not properly anyway. But I’m okay, and if you’re reading this then I really, really hope you are too.

From Ceola x

Yeah

Bad Day

I feel broken and shitty and angry and like everything’s going wrong but I don’t know what. I feel ugly and gross and fat and like I want to die. I want to leave and never ever come back, ever.

And I don’t even know why, that’s the worst thing. I had a bad day and everything, but I guess I’ve kind of come to terms with the fact that everyone just leaves.

What If I Told You

What if I told you that the basic foundations that I once stood so surely upon we’re disintegrating beneath my feet?

What if I told you I don’t believe in love anymore?

What if I told you I was aching, aching to feel something? Aching to feel anything.

What if I told you I was breaking apart day by day, and I can’t take this anymore?

Well I wouldn’t tell you that, would I. We don’t talk anymore.