Stupid, huh?

I guess this is pretty stupid.

It feels pretty stupid, as I don’t blog anymore and all.

Stupid, huh?

I’m not doing so great, guys. I’m in my last year of school now. I hate practically all the girls in my school, and 97 percent of the boys as well. I feel like an outcast. I’m involved/not involved with this guy who has a girlfriend and it makes me feel like a worthless piece of.. ah. And what’s more? I feel like I can’t even get out. But I can’t complain, I am the one after all who always said that she didn’t want a relationship as to avoid getting hurt. ..That plan evidently isn’t working out so well. I am so near the brink now and I just need someone to take me, head on, and give me a solution. It’s almost as if I’m surrounded by this aura of self loathing when I’m alone.

Why does every fucking person say it will get better? It doesn’t. It hasn’t. 3 years on and I’m still suffering from depression. I’m still suffering from bulimia. Struggling with self hate. Turning to alcohol every now and again. I am just, just so drained. Have you ever been in that state of mind where you don’t know if you need company or space? I’m at that stop right about now.

I don’t know what else to type.

The First

And to this very droplet of time
I feel it
Within my very being,
My thoughts and my words,
From the depths of my fingertips
To the angles of my mind,
In what I have done,
In what I have failed to do,
For yet have I to find
A next
That is as pure
As the first

Honesty

Okay it’s not that I have something wrong with me, as fucked up as this blog is. It’s just I take everything personally. The smallest thing will get to me, from a joke about my hair to something I say. And when it gets to me I do get really sad, and I don’t really know why.

I guess it really gets to me when my “group” don’t invite me out. I guess I’m kind of stuck between 2 groups, it’s weird. It gets to me though. It’s like, I’m just as much of a person as you are and we spend every lunch together.. WHAT is your problem? Just because I’m not as hot as the others, seriously?

And when stuff goes wrong I do lose control and hurt myself. It’s not a craving though, it’s more like in frustration. A release of tension. And I do have problems eating, I know that too. I get worried and angry and I’m hugely oversensitive and complicated. I get paranoid and hold grudges sometimes, overprotective too, and jealous. I’m probably quite annoying, and too hyper.

But you know what at least I’m honest about it. At least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not in a group of people and I’ll say what I feel and when I feel it. At least I’m not one of those people who exclude others and act like nothing happened.

And I may be fucked up, but at least I’m honest about it.

Piece By Piece

Have you ever cried so hard that you begin to choke on your breath? That you fall into such a state of hysteria, that you can barely remember it now?

And there you were, lying on your bedroom floor. Shaking, harming yourself, sobbing onto the cold hard floor. Desperately searching for the peace of mind you had previously learned to live without.

But one can only go so long, before they want out.

What If I Told You

What if I told you that the basic foundations that I once stood so surely upon we’re disintegrating beneath my feet?

What if I told you I don’t believe in love anymore?

What if I told you I was aching, aching to feel something? Aching to feel anything.

What if I told you I was breaking apart day by day, and I can’t take this anymore?

Well I wouldn’t tell you that, would I. We don’t talk anymore.

Gigs, Guys, and Gooches.

Today was so eventful. It should have been so, so good. It should have.

I met up with my friend Naomi and we sat and talked for ages. We then bumped into two other “popular” girls from my school, Assisi and Alex, and we all sat and talked for so long; it was lovely. Me and Naomi then sat and ate SO many sweets and laughed for ages in the rain. When with Naomi, we bumped into some guys from my school: Dom, Ferdinand, Phelim and Christian. Christian had kissed Anastasia the previous day, they’re on the verge of having a thing. I said to Christian “I know what you’re thinking” when everyone was talking, he went bright red. This was the stem of why my day turned into a spiralling pit of doom.

Later on, when I’m gone, Christian tells his friends that he kissed Katie when they ask what I meant by my passing comment. Apparently then lots of people found out, and it aaall became my fault according to Anastasia (and Catherine, a “friend” of mine who’s actually a psychotic bitch, I pretend to like her to avoid conflict).

Anastasia and I had an argument for my ..passing comment.. and Catherine got involved and made me cry. “You have no integrity” she said, “you’ve ruined your and Anastasia’s friendship” she said, “you’re so unbelievably immature” she said. I was so angry, how dare she?! I made a comment that I thought to be barely noticeable and suddenly the fact that Christian told his friends is all my fault. YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE CATHERINE YOU FAT BITCH GO BACK TO LIVING IN YOUR DAIRY RIDDEN FRIDGE.

What. The. Fuck.

I was SO pissed off. I took Anastasia out of my bbm name, and didn’t reply to her. Christian had somehow managed to twist the situation to be my fault, what the fuck happened to “hoes before bro’s”?! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO GIRL CODE?! I was being blamed convicted for making a passing comment, it wouldn’t have escalated if Christian hadn’t chosen for it to do so. I really don’t like Christian, Anastasia knows that. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Into a roundabout. And a car crash. Which had just exploded.

It upset me most, as Catherine called me selfish. This set my temper off, as this is the one thing I always have aimed not to be and she just threw that back in my face. It also annoyed me as Anastasia apologised, and then phoned Catherine to presumably bitch about me – like what is the point of apologising then? It was like she just found a new way to channel her hate.

It was even more upsetting as I knew I couldn’t tell anyone, as I would be accused of “escalating the situation”, however hypocritical that would be. Just previous to this argument, I had been offered my first gig ever. It annoyed me that happiness down was being so casually beaten down with a stick, as if it didn’t matter that this was so important to me, and that this could be the start of my future. It annoys me as now this is going to be the way I remember being offered my first gig, a bitchy argument that killed my vibe when I was so, unbelievably over the moon. 

So that annoyed me.

But on a brighter note, I GOT MY FIRST GIG EVER! I’ll be performing on July 6th, I’m so excited. I can’t believe I have a gig with my own music! 3 years of work on my own style of music and NOW WE HERE. I’m still happy, despite the ongoings that occurred earlier in my evening.

I’m not annoyed anymore, I’m distracting myself with musical thoughts.My conclusion to this rant is: music is my therapist. And if you’ve actually read down this far? Thankyou for listening, it’s nice to know someone does.

Anger

I am so angry. I’ve smashed a lamp in my room. I’m flipping right now, I can’t write properly.

Real talk? You wanna know what I’m thinking “bro”? You should try this thing, it’s called knowing your fucking place and speaking when you’re fucking spoken to and not all up in my shit.

Don’t talk to me, I’m not your fucking homie. It’s your fucking problem, not mine. Fuck you.